86 Customer Service

So the other day I was talking to a person I work with about the u-scan. She is vehemently against the u-scan. Personally, Im a fan of the u-scan, I think it gives people a chance to move through lines faster and more efficiently. However, the conversation did not stop there. This led to how customer service has gone to shit over the years. Personally, I agree but for different reasons and my reasons is not really the point of today’s blog. As I was talking to her presenting my case, I mentioned how people expect too much customer service some time; case in point: McDonalds. It irks me when people feel that these low paying jobs should give them the bent over backwards customer service. Im not saying they shouldn’t be courteous or attentive to needs but don’t expect a reach-a-round because you ordered a four dollar value meal. Give me a fucking break. Personally, I say screw the customer service, the smiles, the “thank-you for shopping at blah blah blah” because most of the time they come out so fake anyway that the words become cliché. I am much more interested in speedy service; get me in and get me the fuck out, and now Im happy. Save your pleasantries for the 80 y/o couple who is undoubtedly the one holding the line up in the first place, writing a god-damn check, then searching endlessly for two ID’s. I’m sure this is the reason for the birth of U-scan in the first place; people like them pissing off people like me.

While I’m on this rant, so the other day I go to BW3’s in the highlands to watch a football game. I sit down with some friends and order some boneless chicken wings, nothing big as I wasn’t staying too long. My bill is $5.95. I give the guy 10 dollars and asked for two in return, so because nobody likes to do math, I gave the guy 2 dollar tip for dropping off some old wings (they tasted like 2 day old chicken McNuggets). No biggie. What burned me up about this transaction is the guy just took my money, looked down the whole time, gave me my 2 dollars and never once said “thank you” or offered a suggestive nod. I know from my aforementioned tirade you would think I wouldn’t be bothered but I was. I waited tables long enough to know what this guy pulls in and a simple verbal or non-verbal gesture is not too much to ask for. Granted, I didn’t give him this huge tip, not by a long shot, which demanded respect but a simple fucking “thank you,” that’s all I’m asking for, come on. This is the kind of customer service that annoys me. Next time, I go in there, I wont short him on the tip because Im not that big of a jerk but I’ll run his ass around, maybe order some hot tea or water with lemon, lol.

Walmart Attacks!

Well, its only a matter of time, after Thanksgiving the invasion began. It started with only a few special ops then by today it was an all out occupation. It was as if the Waltons: Rob, Jim, and Alice set up a perimeter around my neighborhood securing the area making sure the only hope for the neighborhood would be capitulation...Sam would be proud. In case you haven't ventured in occupied territory lately, Im talking about the abhorrent holiday inflatables that consists of Snoopy, Tigger, Winne the Pooh, Mickey Mouse, and a whole slew of Snow Men. I must of counted 10 snowmen within a 4 block radius. What the hell is a matter with people? Whatever happened to outside lights and the occasional glowing leg, you know "major award." Instead, now everyone responds with their own creative, homogenous cheerful inflatable which ironically leaves the neighborhood tasting like white rice. God damn it, where’s Clark W. Griswald when you need him; “shut up Russ.”

"Books, I dont read them much."

Yesterday I went to a lecture presented by the Lucky Luciano of religion, Salman Rushdie. It was entertaining and educational, to say the least. The above quote comes from an opponent to Rushdie’s work, it was an outspoken cleric muslim in England, and when asked whether or not he has read any of Rushdie’s work, that is how he responded. His response is pretty typical of most who are of a devout anything, if you ask me. However, this is not about bashing religions, no matter how easy or deserving the moment can be, its about what I gained from Sally (he told me I can call him that). Before I get into my deep feelings I will say, I did enjoy the irony of a catholic university inviting an outspoken atheist to speak at their university. Mr. Rushdie made no promises as he took several pot shots at Christianity, much to the amusement of the majority of the crowd. Which still leaves me hope that this “damned” nation can still be saved, to put it metaphorically.

Ah yes, so how did Sally touch my golden heart? Well, it started about three years ago, wait, wait, wait, before I get into that I must tell you what has been on my mind recently. As many of you know about me, I am an avid traveler. I like to venture the unknown and see what the world has to offer, sadly, on a macaroni budget. Well, considering its one of the few things I feel passionately about and have been unable to do so, its been on my mind a lot recently. I’ve made the decision that once I graduate, Im going to go to India and then travel east. Why India? Why not. I’ve never been there and holds a lot of culture and colorful adventures. Also, it’s a nice starting point to make my way to Vietnam which is my real destination, that and Thailand. Mainly, I want to go to Thailand for the cheap pad thai. Im sick and freakin tired of paying 9 bones for a $3 meal. C’mon its fucking noodles for god’s sakes. Oh well, like I said, I have the itch to travel and have been researching it pretty extensively the last month and India will be my launch pad for my East Asia vacation, “shut-up Russ” ( only a select few will get that one, and no, its not an inside joke). Where was I, ah yes, India, fascinating. So back to Rushdie, it was about three years ago when I befriended a young Indian male, I think he was 18 or something and we went to school together. I felt like I could ask him some questions and since Im a pretty brash individual, I did. It really wasn’t a big deal, I just asked him, “So, what’s the big hubbub with Kashmir; why is India always fighting over it?” He looked at me unmoved, a man with eyes 60 years wise, and responded, “Because it’s the most beautiful place in the world.” Funny, how things stick with you and if it were not for his conviction in his voice and demeanor, I might have tossed the memory in the fireplace. Today, that memory shed some dust. Salman Rushdie speaking of his book, “Shalimar the Clown,” begins to mention his experience with India and specifically his bond with Kashmir. Tonight, Salman, describes Kashmir in the exact same fashion, that he regards it as the most beautiful place in the world. Somehow, I feel like my life was changed tonight. Of course, it will not be anything monumental, Im not talking anything crazy, like I will start liking pepsi over coca-cola or anything absurdly ridiculous like that. More like a ripple in my life, because tonight, I decided I have to go to Kashmir. Whereas before I wasn’t going to go, I was going to spend a few days here and a few days there but now, since two absolute strangers described the place the exact same way with the same passion…I felt something, a connection? Probably not, but I would like to see, “the most beautiful place in the world.” Wouldn’t you?

It's "Trick or Treat" ...Simple as that.

So last night, I gave out great candy. I had butterfinger crisps, reeses cups, and twitzlers. If you were taking the ACT right now and you had to guess which one doesn’t belong, what would your answer be? Right, twitzlers. So why you ask? Well, you see my feeble friends, I give out candy on a reward system. If you take the time to put together a kick-ass costume then you get rewarded if you put together a crap costume then you deserve raisins. Next year, that’s what I will do b/c there was soooooooooo many kids deserving of nature’s candy last night. Some kids barely even had on a costume. I was like, wtf? When I first started to give out candy I had all the candy mixed in a bowl well then there came a problem. You see, when people see I have the goods, they might think Im being judgemental by giving out the bads. For example last night, early in the night, there was a group of black kids who all had horrible costumes on, put no effort, so I was like, “ok, you ALL get twizlers,” then I realized they could see my good candy and me reaching for the bad, I started thinking, “shit, they are going to think Im racist or something.” So I succumbed to social pressures and gave out reeses and butterfingers to undeserving, unimaginative blocks of wood. So I quickly reassessed my logistics and hid all the dynamo treats on the bottom and smothered them with twizzlers. It was perfect! Also, if a kid was less than 3, they got a twizzler. I figured there was no need for me to give the parents, who were going to be jacking the stash anyway, good candy. Oh yeah, then there were the kids who thought they could just open their bag and magically a treat would fall in. I don’t think so. There is a oral binding contract here with every fucking child. You say, “Trick or Treat” and I deliver the goods. No ifs ands or buts. So whenever the cool coy kid would try and just hold his bag open, it was like he just walked into my saloon with the tumbleweed blowing behind him. My mind and eyes immediately went to the saloon doors as the notorious western whistle rings in my ears. Showdown. The crowd disperses in a frenzy. The so-called trick or treater narrows their beady little eyes. Unmoved, I level them with my orbs ,like a hawk, waiting, until finally they realize they are the prey. That’s right, I just sat there and looked at them till they said those famous three words: “Trick or MotherfuckingTreat.” I mean what the fuck do they think. The funny part would be when I would just look at them for three or four seconds which probably felt like an eternity for them and soon as they said, “Trick or Treat.” I would act like everything was normal with an excited voice, “Sure, here you go!” Hey, if you feel like you are too old to say trick or treat than you probably are, I don’t make the rules.

Mastercard has jumped the shark

Expensive air time during a sporting event: $500,000
Team of Advertisers and Maketing execs: $350,000
Using the same idea for over a decade: PRICELESS

I dont know about you guys but Im getting sick and tired of these freaking mastercard commercials. Ok, it was good idea back in the 90's but give i it a rest already. You know its sad when even the internet jokes wont touch the idea anymore. Kind of makes you think, do they even have an advertising agency at Mastercard anymore. If they do, what are they saying?

"Ok, we have a pregnant lady that just delivers her baby, a guy that doesnt want it, and when the baby comes out, he notices that it isnt his: priceless"
"Thats a fantastic idea; did you come up with that all on your own...Let's run it"

Alright maybe that was my bad idea of a joke but honestly I couldnt think of anything because my brain was so clouded with all the thousands I have already seen. Seriously, is there noone at the company that just says, "alright we've beat this horse to death, lets do something else.

Does anyone remember the commercial: "TAG?" They were in downtown NY and were playing tag but you didnt know it till the very end; it was a nike commercial. That was a great commercial.

Everybody's Clown

Have you ever known somebody that bad things happen to them so often that you can no longer feel sorry for them? Its not that, you didnt ever feel sorry for them but these people are just starting to drain all your sympathy reserves and there just might not be any in case of a crisis. Instead, their personal follies or misgivings have now become laughable to you, its almost a complete emotional 180. Well, suffice to say, I have become one of those people that you are laughing about.

It's sad, because, I dont want to be one of those people. Here's my story, the other day I went for my usual Tuesday/Thursday swim. It was Tuesday and upon finishing my laps, I proceed to take the wax out of my ear (swimmer's wax, not ear wax, that is used to keep water from entering your ears). Well, I get the right one out no problem, then it comes time for the left and no dice, it recedes just a little bit into my canal. Well, like a moron, I march my big fat donkey finger inside my ear trying to get the fucker. So what do I do, shove it deeper inside the canal. Heeee-Hawww. Then, I realize, I definitely need tweezers to get this fucker out. Well, I get to a buddy's house and he can't get it, so I decide to sleep on it, hoping maybe it would just evacuate on its own. Wrong!

Meanwhile, I cant hear crap out of my left ear, everything just sounds like a deafening echo. So I go the whole next day and then finally I decide to go to the doctor. Thinking I need an ENT specialist, I am a little nervous about going to just an Immediate care center. So I call up the Immediate Care Center and ask if the doctor can get it out. The nurse or whoever answers assures me, yes he can do it, I then reply, it is really deep, on the ear drum. She then confidently, replies, "Yes, it wont be a problem." So I go to this fucking Norton Immediate Care Center, wait 2 and half hours before being seen and when the doctor finally comes in, he asks what the problem is, I tell him, the situation, his first words are: "Is it deep?" I respond, "yes," he then muffles, get this, an "Uh oh." Im reeling at this point. I fucking asked this specifically, when I called and he knows he cant get it out. Personally, I dont think I should have to pay, that's me, but Im sure, this philosophy will not stand in the eyes of the all-knowing medical profession. Anyway, he tries and is unsuccessful and refers me to an ENT, which that office was supposed to get me an appointment to. So, thinking they were a bunch of waste of human space, I decide to make my own appt with an ENT the following day and he successfully removed the ball of wax. It was probably the size of a skittle and it was completely covering the drum. Oh yeah, the ICC never called or scheduled an appt with an ENT for me, slack asses.

Dos, Tres, Quatro...what's the difference

A couple of weeks ago, I had to go in for my bi-annual ass fucking I like to call the school bookstore. Well, apparently, in the fall the rapists have a slight conscience for the physical, mental, and financial anguish they bestow upon you year after year and decide to give you a consolation prize. Personally, I think they should just give you a reach around but that would be wayyyy too generous, they did however give me a free Quatro razor from Schick.

When I turned 18, the Gillete company in all their wisdom must buy selective service information because they sent me a gillete sensor razor for my birthday. An excellent marketing tool, who ever thought of that should be kicking his feet up, drinking Mai Thai's watching the waves crash into the beaches, unless they are on the gulf, then it might be dead bodies(...ouch, Im really not that cold). Anyway, ever since I received my first gillete razor I have been a gillete man ever since, I've followed the company through the years, from the gillete sensor, to the gillete sensor excel, then to the mighty, mighty, mach 3, off to the mach 3 pro, and finally mach 3 turbo. I have not tried the mach 3 turbo yet, I feel that if you are going mach 3, that's pretty fucking fast, why the hell would you need to hit the turbo button? Besides, that would be using more power, which requires oil, thus increasing our independence on foreign nations that support turror...and I just could not be party to that :)

Where am I? So I decide to use my new Schick Quatro razor and let me just tell you, it was far from an experience. I absolutely cannot discern the difference between three blades and four. I can however tell the difference between coke and pepsi, now that's something to write about....err, wait.

Overall, I would have to give the Quatro razor a siskel and ebert (fuck that other guy) two thumbs down. I like my blades flying high and fast, so that's why you will always see me chasing the sound barrier with my Mach 3!