Simple Life of BC

86 Customer Service

2005-12-21T14:42:00.000-08:00

So the other day I was talking to a person I work with about the u-scan. She is vehemently against the u-scan. Personally, Im a fan of the u-scan, I think it gives people a chance to move through lines faster and more efficiently. However, the conversation did not stop there. This led to how customer service has gone to shit over the years. Personally, I agree but for different reasons and my reasons is not really the point of today’s blog. As I was talking to her presenting my case, I mentioned how people expect too much customer service some time; case in point: McDonalds. It irks me when people feel that these low paying jobs should give them the bent over backwards customer service. Im not saying they shouldn’t be courteous or attentive to needs but don’t expect a reach-a-round because you ordered a four dollar value meal. Give me a fucking break. Personally, I say screw the customer service, the smiles, the “thank-you for shopping at blah blah blah” because most of the time they come out so fake anyway that the words become cliché. I am much more interested in speedy service; get me in and get me the fuck out, and now Im happy. Save your pleasantries for the 80 y/o couple who is undoubtedly the one holding the line up in the first place, writing a god-damn check, then searching endlessly for two ID’s. I’m sure this is the reason for the birth of U-scan in the first place; people like them pissing off people like me.

While I’m on this rant, so the other day I go to BW3’s in the highlands to watch a football game. I sit down with some friends and order some boneless chicken wings, nothing big as I wasn’t staying too long. My bill is $5.95. I give the guy 10 dollars and asked for two in return, so because nobody likes to do math, I gave the guy 2 dollar tip for dropping off some old wings (they tasted like 2 day old chicken McNuggets). No biggie. What burned me up about this transaction is the guy just took my money, looked down the whole time, gave me my 2 dollars and never once said “thank you” or offered a suggestive nod. I know from my aforementioned tirade you would think I wouldn’t be bothered but I was. I waited tables long enough to know what this guy pulls in and a simple verbal or non-verbal gesture is not too much to ask for. Granted, I didn’t give him this huge tip, not by a long shot, which demanded respect but a simple fucking “thank you,” that’s all I’m asking for, come on. This is the kind of customer service that annoys me. Next time, I go in there, I wont short him on the tip because Im not that big of a jerk but I’ll run his ass around, maybe order some hot tea or water with lemon, lol.

Walmart Attacks!

2005-12-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

Well, its only a matter of time, after Thanksgiving the invasion began. It started with only a few special ops then by today it was an all out occupation. It was as if the Waltons: Rob, Jim, and Alice set up a perimeter around my neighborhood securing the area making sure the only hope for the neighborhood would be capitulation...Sam would be proud. In case you haven't ventured in occupied territory lately, Im talking about the abhorrent holiday inflatables that consists of Snoopy, Tigger, Winne the Pooh, Mickey Mouse, and a whole slew of Snow Men. I must of counted 10 snowmen within a 4 block radius. What the hell is a matter with people? Whatever happened to outside lights and the occasional glowing leg, you know "major award." Instead, now everyone responds with their own creative, homogenous cheerful inflatable which ironically leaves the neighborhood tasting like white rice. God damn it, where’s Clark W. Griswald when you need him; “shut up Russ.”

"Books, I dont read them much."

2005-11-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to a lecture presented by the Lucky Luciano of religion, Salman Rushdie. It was entertaining and educational, to say the least. The above quote comes from an opponent to Rushdie’s work, it was an outspoken cleric muslim in England, and when asked whether or not he has read any of Rushdie’s work, that is how he responded. His response is pretty typical of most who are of a devout anything, if you ask me. However, this is not about bashing religions, no matter how easy or deserving the moment can be, its about what I gained from Sally (he told me I can call him that). Before I get into my deep feelings I will say, I did enjoy the irony of a catholic university inviting an outspoken atheist to speak at their university. Mr. Rushdie made no promises as he took several pot shots at Christianity, much to the amusement of the majority of the crowd. Which still leaves me hope that this “damned” nation can still be saved, to put it metaphorically.

Ah yes, so how did Sally touch my golden heart? Well, it started about three years ago, wait, wait, wait, before I get into that I must tell you what has been on my mind recently. As many of you know about me, I am an avid traveler. I like to venture the unknown and see what the world has to offer, sadly, on a macaroni budget. Well, considering its one of the few things I feel passionately about and have been unable to do so, its been on my mind a lot recently. I’ve made the decision that once I graduate, Im going to go to India and then travel east. Why India? Why not. I’ve never been there and holds a lot of culture and colorful adventures. Also, it’s a nice starting point to make my way to Vietnam which is my real destination, that and Thailand. Mainly, I want to go to Thailand for the cheap pad thai. Im sick and freakin tired of paying 9 bones for a $3 meal. C’mon its fucking noodles for god’s sakes. Oh well, like I said, I have the itch to travel and have been researching it pretty extensively the last month and India will be my launch pad for my East Asia vacation, “shut-up Russ” ( only a select few will get that one, and no, its not an inside joke). Where was I, ah yes, India, fascinating. So back to Rushdie, it was about three years ago when I befriended a young Indian male, I think he was 18 or something and we went to school together. I felt like I could ask him some questions and since Im a pretty brash individual, I did. It really wasn’t a big deal, I just asked him, “So, what’s the big hubbub with Kashmir; why is India always fighting over it?” He looked at me unmoved, a man with eyes 60 years wise, and responded, “Because it’s the most beautiful place in the world.” Funny, how things stick with you and if it were not for his conviction in his voice and demeanor, I might have tossed the memory in the fireplace. Today, that memory shed some dust. Salman Rushdie speaking of his book, “Shalimar the Clown,” begins to mention his experience with India and specifically his bond with Kashmir. Tonight, Salman, describes Kashmir in the exact same fashion, that he regards it as the most beautiful place in the world. Somehow, I feel like my life was changed tonight. Of course, it will not be anything monumental, Im not talking anything crazy, like I will start liking pepsi over coca-cola or anything absurdly ridiculous like that. More like a ripple in my life, because tonight, I decided I have to go to Kashmir. Whereas before I wasn’t going to go, I was going to spend a few days here and a few days there but now, since two absolute strangers described the place the exact same way with the same passion…I felt something, a connection? Probably not, but I would like to see, “the most beautiful place in the world.” Wouldn’t you?

It's "Trick or Treat" ...Simple as that.

2005-11-01T18:05:00.000-08:00

So last night, I gave out great candy. I had butterfinger crisps, reeses cups, and twitzlers. If you were taking the ACT right now and you had to guess which one doesn’t belong, what would your answer be? Right, twitzlers. So why you ask? Well, you see my feeble friends, I give out candy on a reward system. If you take the time to put together a kick-ass costume then you get rewarded if you put together a crap costume then you deserve raisins. Next year, that’s what I will do b/c there was soooooooooo many kids deserving of nature’s candy last night. Some kids barely even had on a costume. I was like, wtf? When I first started to give out candy I had all the candy mixed in a bowl well then there came a problem. You see, when people see I have the goods, they might think Im being judgemental by giving out the bads. For example last night, early in the night, there was a group of black kids who all had horrible costumes on, put no effort, so I was like, “ok, you ALL get twizlers,” then I realized they could see my good candy and me reaching for the bad, I started thinking, “shit, they are going to think Im racist or something.” So I succumbed to social pressures and gave out reeses and butterfingers to undeserving, unimaginative blocks of wood. So I quickly reassessed my logistics and hid all the dynamo treats on the bottom and smothered them with twizzlers. It was perfect! Also, if a kid was less than 3, they got a twizzler. I figured there was no need for me to give the parents, who were going to be jacking the stash anyway, good candy. Oh yeah, then there were the kids who thought they could just open their bag and magically a treat would fall in. I don’t think so. There is a oral binding contract here with every fucking child. You say, “Trick or Treat” and I deliver the goods. No ifs ands or buts. So whenever the cool coy kid would try and just hold his bag open, it was like he just walked into my saloon with the tumbleweed blowing behind him. My mind and eyes immediately went to the saloon doors as the notorious western whistle rings in my ears. Showdown. The crowd disperses in a frenzy. The so-called trick or treater narrows their beady little eyes. Unmoved, I level them with my orbs ,like a hawk, waiting, until finally they realize they are the prey. That’s right, I just sat there and looked at them till they said those famous three words: “Trick or MotherfuckingTreat.” I mean what the fuck do they think. The funny part would be when I would just look at them for three or four seconds which probably felt like an eternity for them and soon as they said, “Trick or Treat.” I would act like everything was normal with an excited voice, “Sure, here you go!” Hey, if you feel like you are too old to say trick or treat than you probably are, I don’t make the rules.

Mastercard has jumped the shark

2005-10-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

Expensive air time during a sporting event: $500,000
Team of Advertisers and Maketing execs: $350,000
Using the same idea for over a decade: PRICELESS

I dont know about you guys but Im getting sick and tired of these freaking mastercard commercials. Ok, it was good idea back in the 90's but give i it a rest already. You know its sad when even the internet jokes wont touch the idea anymore. Kind of makes you think, do they even have an advertising agency at Mastercard anymore. If they do, what are they saying?

"Ok, we have a pregnant lady that just delivers her baby, a guy that doesnt want it, and when the baby comes out, he notices that it isnt his: priceless"
"Thats a fantastic idea; did you come up with that all on your own...Let's run it"

Alright maybe that was my bad idea of a joke but honestly I couldnt think of anything because my brain was so clouded with all the thousands I have already seen. Seriously, is there noone at the company that just says, "alright we've beat this horse to death, lets do something else.

Does anyone remember the commercial: "TAG?" They were in downtown NY and were playing tag but you didnt know it till the very end; it was a nike commercial. That was a great commercial.

Everybody's Clown

2005-09-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever known somebody that bad things happen to them so often that you can no longer feel sorry for them? Its not that, you didnt ever feel sorry for them but these people are just starting to drain all your sympathy reserves and there just might not be any in case of a crisis. Instead, their personal follies or misgivings have now become laughable to you, its almost a complete emotional 180. Well, suffice to say, I have become one of those people that you are laughing about.

It's sad, because, I dont want to be one of those people. Here's my story, the other day I went for my usual Tuesday/Thursday swim. It was Tuesday and upon finishing my laps, I proceed to take the wax out of my ear (swimmer's wax, not ear wax, that is used to keep water from entering your ears). Well, I get the right one out no problem, then it comes time for the left and no dice, it recedes just a little bit into my canal. Well, like a moron, I march my big fat donkey finger inside my ear trying to get the fucker. So what do I do, shove it deeper inside the canal. Heeee-Hawww. Then, I realize, I definitely need tweezers to get this fucker out. Well, I get to a buddy's house and he can't get it, so I decide to sleep on it, hoping maybe it would just evacuate on its own. Wrong!

Meanwhile, I cant hear crap out of my left ear, everything just sounds like a deafening echo. So I go the whole next day and then finally I decide to go to the doctor. Thinking I need an ENT specialist, I am a little nervous about going to just an Immediate care center. So I call up the Immediate Care Center and ask if the doctor can get it out. The nurse or whoever answers assures me, yes he can do it, I then reply, it is really deep, on the ear drum. She then confidently, replies, "Yes, it wont be a problem." So I go to this fucking Norton Immediate Care Center, wait 2 and half hours before being seen and when the doctor finally comes in, he asks what the problem is, I tell him, the situation, his first words are: "Is it deep?" I respond, "yes," he then muffles, get this, an "Uh oh." Im reeling at this point. I fucking asked this specifically, when I called and he knows he cant get it out. Personally, I dont think I should have to pay, that's me, but Im sure, this philosophy will not stand in the eyes of the all-knowing medical profession. Anyway, he tries and is unsuccessful and refers me to an ENT, which that office was supposed to get me an appointment to. So, thinking they were a bunch of waste of human space, I decide to make my own appt with an ENT the following day and he successfully removed the ball of wax. It was probably the size of a skittle and it was completely covering the drum. Oh yeah, the ICC never called or scheduled an appt with an ENT for me, slack asses.

Dos, Tres, Quatro...what's the difference

2005-09-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I had to go in for my bi-annual ass fucking I like to call the school bookstore. Well, apparently, in the fall the rapists have a slight conscience for the physical, mental, and financial anguish they bestow upon you year after year and decide to give you a consolation prize. Personally, I think they should just give you a reach around but that would be wayyyy too generous, they did however give me a free Quatro razor from Schick.

When I turned 18, the Gillete company in all their wisdom must buy selective service information because they sent me a gillete sensor razor for my birthday. An excellent marketing tool, who ever thought of that should be kicking his feet up, drinking Mai Thai's watching the waves crash into the beaches, unless they are on the gulf, then it might be dead bodies(...ouch, Im really not that cold). Anyway, ever since I received my first gillete razor I have been a gillete man ever since, I've followed the company through the years, from the gillete sensor, to the gillete sensor excel, then to the mighty, mighty, mach 3, off to the mach 3 pro, and finally mach 3 turbo. I have not tried the mach 3 turbo yet, I feel that if you are going mach 3, that's pretty fucking fast, why the hell would you need to hit the turbo button? Besides, that would be using more power, which requires oil, thus increasing our independence on foreign nations that support turror...and I just could not be party to that :)

Where am I? So I decide to use my new Schick Quatro razor and let me just tell you, it was far from an experience. I absolutely cannot discern the difference between three blades and four. I can however tell the difference between coke and pepsi, now that's something to write about....err, wait.

Overall, I would have to give the Quatro razor a siskel and ebert (fuck that other guy) two thumbs down. I like my blades flying high and fast, so that's why you will always see me chasing the sound barrier with my Mach 3!

Driving Insane

2005-08-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

I just got back in from outside running errands. You know what burns me up, when you turn on your turn signal, b/c you need to get over obviously, then the fuck face behind you speeds up. Im like, Jackass, Im trying to get over. That happened to me.

Here I am, needing to get over b/c my turn is coming, well, I could just get over b/c I did have enough room but I thought I would be polite and throw on the turn signal. Well, Mr. Ford Focus didnt seem to eat his breakfast this morning. So what do I hear, his little engine that could starts puttering trying to accelerate as to NOT let me over. That pisses me off to no end. So I just cut him off at this point. I was trying to be polite but why do I bother. So he lays on the horn. Well, in that split moment in time, rage fills my body, coarsing through my arteries and veins, skin begins to change color, and my body begins a fit of convulsions...I swear in that moment, I believe I could of killed that man with mind power alone. Then it passed, I began sniffing flowers and helping old ladies with their groceries.

How do you like d'em Apples?

2005-07-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

I dont know, you know why? Because the fucking check-out girl at Kroger, Asia, forgot to put them in my fucking bag! Man, what a let down, I mean, I did my job, I paid for the food (checked receipt). Another thing she forgot was the sour cream. I was geared up and ready to eat some red beans and rice tonight with a creamy dallop of delicous sour cream but Nooooooooooooooo, Asia had to ruin my dinner for me. Ugh, sometimes you just feel like Charlie Brown, you know?

Ironically, Asia is the name of my dog and she never lets me down, unless of course I ask her to give me high-five in front of a bunch of people then she just looks at me like Im an idiot or she's never heard or done that before.

Lost in the moment

2005-06-18T18:25:00.000-07:00

Just now I cooked and ate one of the most deliciously satisfying, succulent, mouth-watering cheeseburgers in this universe! I mean it was like a Big Kahuna burger to the tenth power. I was chomping away with so much delight that I didnt even notice I lost my index finger in the process; but, you know what? It was worth it, who needs a stupid pointy finger anyway. Thats why we evolved the middle finger, for this very purposful accident. Not only can it show everybody whose number one but now it takes on the job of "look over there." If only I had a tasty beverage to wash this down, I could of truly said, "this is the happiest day of my life." Oh well, I guess I will have to wait and see what tomorrow brings...

Estoy Muy Enfermo!

2005-06-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

A lightning cracks through the sky followed by a torrential downpour of rain. Each drop pummels the ground as if the troops were storming the beaches of Normandy. The earth begins to rattle, followed by deafening breach in the ground. News reporters are everywhere, all trying to catch the story of their lifetime; just as a helicopter loses control, flying into a power line, sending electricity reeling for another victim. Scores of people are left screaming as the fall into the fathomless cracked earth. How does this happen? The question is left empty on everyone’s mind.

That’s right, how did this happen? How the fuck did I get sick? There should be a constitutional law about getting a cold in the beginning of summer. Something just seems unholy about that. I feel terrible as you probably can tell from my description above. Its as if, the illness is beating me senseless with the Cold baseball bat. I am truly a man on his knees with sickness. I made it through the whole fucking winter unscathed and now this! I mean my neck, my back, my entire body aches and I can’t stop coughing…gimme a bullet.

You know where the real comedy lies. After this is all over, I will, I’ll get through this; anyways, after this is all over, when I finally come around to feeling better again. I will completely forget how horrible I felt and commence to my old ways. “Sure, I’ll drink after you.” “What, kissing a stranger is wrong?” I mean, don’t get me wrong, I truly have no idea how I picked this one up. I haven’t kissed or even drink after anyone in the past week. The kissed thing has probably been a month or two, I can’t remember…hmm that’s kind of pathetic actually.  Honestly, I don’t really think about it too much. Back to the topic, I think there is a little Al Qaeda Cold cell following me around and they have been planning this special op for weeks. Then on Tuesday, someone became a martyr and struck with a vengeance…at least that’s what George Bush told me.

Sad, I am...mmmmmm

2005-05-23T02:00:00.000-07:00

So I just finished watching the last Star Wars and even though I knew what was going to happen, I left feeling a little bit "unbalanced." Im such a Star Wars nerd, pretty soon you will see zipping by on my moped, jamming to the soundtrack of Metroid ducking low to let the wind ride off my back so I can get to my friend's house to get in my next roll of Dungeons & Dragons hoping to swashbuckle the Gila Troll Monster with my broadsword. Ha, even in these dark times of Star Wars can I crack myself up. Honestly, I really am a Star Wars nerd just without all the bells and whistles and I plan to keep it that way, lurking in the shadows, afraid of who I really am =) (you notice I always capitalize the SW baby).

So, yesterday I was hoping to lay down some tile and get that much closer to having a toilet again but of course, that didn’t happen. Before I laid the tile, I wanted to paint the room, this way, I wouldn’t have to worry about all the freakin mess you make when you paint. I loved it, I could just drop paint on the floor without a worry in the world. What a feeling, this is about the best my days get anymore. Anyway, enough boo-hoo poor Brent-talk, after I made my floor into a Jackson Pollock ripoff (what’s so good about him anyway, I don’t see the art? Ah Jacqueline maybe you should show me to the light—sorry for the tangent), I was hoping to get some tiling done baby…yep you guessed it, didn’t get around to it. I should of started earlier, like I say I am going to do tomorrow.

I decided to paint my room blue. I picked out a color yesterday and decided on a blue, I think it was Caribbean Blue (that’s Cuh-rib-be-ann for me, Im not a fan of the Care-uh-bee-in, but that’s just me), I guess the point is it should have been named “It’s a Boy Blue,” b/c when I got home and started the initiative to paint, there was no way my hand would let me do the damage, it would have been a travesty. Hell, every gay guy in America would be grabbing torches and storming my little abode for letting such a color faux pas exist. I guess what Im trying to say, it just didn’t look good. While we are talking about it, who gets to name these colors any way. I think what I did finally decide on was Ocean Cruise or something crazy. What a job that must be…You look at a color, and you say, “Its light blue.” Meanwhile, you get smacked in the face by some guy with a black beret and a goat tee, saying, “ARE YOU CRAZY, THAT’S ‘Alabaster Azure!’ Ok, sidetracked again, wow for some reason, I am just in the writing mood and Im sure my punctuations and run-on sentences are showing their full effect right now. So the color just didn’t suit my needs and I went back to the Depot and had the beautiful and talented Jamie, working the paint counters, tweak it into a color. Of course it takes about an hour and a half. So I paint the walls and decide to try and get the tiling done tomorrow, which incidentally is today or tonight. As far as the new blue goes, Im not sure if I like it but its livable right now. Who knows, maybe it will grow on me?

Alright, now I am at today; when I first planned on remodeling I bought two 4x6’ sheets of backerboard (what you put the floor tile on) and thought that would be enough. Of course, you wouldn’t expect anything less than for me to be dead wrong and you would be right. I came up a hair short, like 4 sq. ft or something insane. I kept trying to make it work with little scrap pieces but alas, I had to hop back into my gas guzzling SUV (which I despise but that’s another blog all on its own, why did I ever buy one of these things??) and head out to Lowes, mainly b/c I needed to take a medicine cabinet back. I bought a medicine cabinet from there and when I opened I about had an aneurysm b/c it had fixed shelves. What fucking idiot designer puts fixed shelves in a medicine cabinet? Cmon it takes two seconds to put in adjustable shelves which gives its utility in spades…geez. Ok, so I grab my backerboard, eat two hotdogs, (there was a hotdog stand and Im like Homer Simpson when it comes to greasy unhealthy food) one chili-dog with cheese and onion and one regular with catsup, mustard, and relish….yum. Oh yeah, I realized I fucked up when putting the wire into the wall. I used the wrong wire for what I am going to do. After arguing with the electrical guys at Lowes for 45 minutes (honestly), I came to the conclusion that I made a huge mistake, one that cant be undone b/c Im not breaking any more walls and ruining my fabulous paint job, j/k. Seriously, the walls are staying. So I have a couple options, one is choose a new switch or run another line down to the switch, its complicated and if you really want to know the ins and outs, message me, this blog is starting to turn into a dissertation. Alright, I get the backerboard down and cut my little square out and nail it all to the floor. Tomorrow, I hope to wake up early, measure and draw out some lines, go to the Depot, rent a wet-saw and start tiling!!!! What an exciting day that will be if I get done. Please cross your fingers b/c Im kind of scared. Tomorrow, I take a leap of faith in the unknown, Ive been terrified of tile ever since I started this project. It is only fitting that it is the last step to my bathroom immortality.

If these walls could talk...

2005-05-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

Talk! Who gives a shit about talking, Im just glad there here. That's right boys and girls...I now have bathroom walls. You know, you really dont realize how much walls can really brighten your day.

So, here's a funny story, just to show you how much of a maroon I am. So I cutting drywall for my newfound wall. Measure the wall, 56.5 inches, no problemo, go out cut the drywall, get it ready, put it up on the wall, wtf, it is 3 inches short. So that sucks really bad. I just figured when I went to cut, somehow I made a mistake there. Anyway, I still have to hang the bottom part of the wall. So this time, I make sure I make the correct measurement, yep 56.5 inches. Go outside, measure the drywall and cut a perfect 56.5 inches. Im ready this time. Go to put of the wall, and what do you know, it matches the other gaping gap in the wall. I start to think, wtf! I measured and cut that perfectly. So, I grab my trusty tape measure, and measure again, sure enough 56.5 inches...what am I in the twilight zone or something, I measure it again and see where my idiocy starts to shine...I was measuring looking upside down, while my brain was easily able to flip the five, the nine that I was reading upside down I just took for a 6, so there is where my three inches went. I sat back, laughing and thinking, "what an idiot."
Another story, so the other night, after a sun up to sun down day working on the bathroom, I went over to a friends for a couple beers. So the next morning, I woke up with this bursting bladder feeling to urinate. Just one problem, I have no toilet. Its broad daylight outside too, so I cant just go grab a corner, my neighbors probably wouldnt like me too much. I start searching hi and lo around the house for a good can. I ended up grabbing an empty liquid laundry detergent bottle. I knew I kept those for a reason. Its great too b/c it is one of the big mothers that you buy at Sam's Club. Anyway, so I grab the plastic canister and the whole is small so I just make a tight seal and start to release the pressure valve. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a relief only one problem. When I started I was holding the canister at an angle and now it is filling up and getting heavy. I cant just move the canister b/c any millimeter of movement might start a spraying effect. So, Im stuck holding this canister, my forearm is getting tired b/c of the silly angle I started and I just keep going and going. I think my bladder was trying to be the pink bunny or something. Im like, "Cmon, cmon" and finally, I finish...what a relief. So now when I wake up, its turned kind of ritualistic: I get up, I go outsid, grab the ERA plastic canister, sit it on the rail of the basement, do my business and start my day.

As far as an update on the b-room. I've been without a toilet for 5 days now and had my first bowl movement yesterday. Pretty crazy I know. I have lost 10 lbs. All the walls and cieling are up. I cut the floor for the duct work. I have been mudding the walls and corners. This part of the job sucks, b/c, its a work and wait kind of deal. I put on the drywall compound and I have to wait about 12 hours before I can start sanding. I need to put up at least 3 coats of this crap. Oh well, today, I bought a fan so hopefully that will speed up the drying process. Hopefully tomorrow, I can start tiling. That would be awesome, however Im thinking that might be a Saturday job. If tiling starts on Saturday, that means I will be painting on Monday and will have my bathroom finished on Tuesday...how exciting! I think I can see something, oh wait is that....light?

2005-05-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

After a hard day's work

2005-05-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

rough draft

Crossed the line in the sand and now...

2005-05-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

Im fucked. Today was D-day, I am past the point of no return. That's right boys and girls, I no longer have a toilet. So I woke up this morning, knowing the beaches of Normandy were about to be stormed and thought I would hit the snooze till 9 am, had a bowl of cinnamon and spice oatmeal and cut the water off. The plumbing nazis boots began to trimble as I grabbed my tools and preceded to the toilet. This is my first enemy-toilet that I have ever encountered and it turned out to be a well-respected adversary. What I thought would only take me 20 minutes stretched into an hour and a half. If you don't already know, I am remodeling my bathroom and my house is very old (built in the 50's) and certain things are behind the times, like some of my pipes. Unbeknowst to me at the time, I have a led pipe toilet drain, big deal you say, well thats what I thought too then as soon as you dont respect your enemy, he/she bites you in the arse...and it hurts. As I was removing the gunk from the toilet seal, I started to get impatient and then I just removed the whole iron seal, thinking, no problem, I will just replace it with pvc, right? WRONG! Its not that easy, as you cant just replace it b/c there is no seal with the lead. In the old plumber days, they sealed lead a funny way that requires more skill than I have. So as of right now, I dont know what to do. Do I bang that shit out and replace it all with pvc, maybe, except I dont think you can bang lead out, you have to blowtorch it and melt it a little. Now, I have a blow torch, but I dont know what the fuck Im doing, I'll end up singing the whole house. "Little pig, Little pig...LET ME IN!" Yeah, so Im going to explore other options but it might come down to torching it. Im hoping I can just hacksaw it flush with the floor and go from there. Tomorrow will tell the tale...Im going to H&S to ask all those old, wise salespeople, they might as well be sitting on top of a mountain as far as Im concerned. Hell, I may even bring them a goat and sacrifice a virgin if it will help get me out of this mess.

Apart from the toilet, everything else went pretty smooth. Don't get me wrong, it was a crazy mess and my whole house is dusted over from all the freakin plaster but now it looks clean. I did bust out an old lead pipe on accident (another one). However, its not a big deal at all, just run some pvc and we are ten times better than before. You should of seen the mess in that thing, yuck! Tomorrow, not only do I figure out the mess to my toilet but I also start hanging some drywall, yippee. Thats when things start looking like a room. Oh yeah, my electrical is kinda screwy too, I must of pulled something out b/c the light doesnt work anymore. Oh well, who needs light anyway. :-)

2005-05-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

After the Destruction

Something funny I saw last night

2005-05-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

So I was driving home after a night of beer and pizza at Bearno's and on my way home there was a guy driving his bike(motor) w/o a helmet. First, I think people are idiots that take to the streets w/o helmets but thats me. Anyway, I ended up catching up with him and noticed that it wasnt a bike but a moped (still no excuse for the helmet). Then we were kinda of driving side by side and I look over and see him trying to cheat the wind a little by getting real low. Maybe its just me, but it seemed pretty funny, since mopeds dont really go fast anyway, and here he is getting low on his moped. So, that gave me a little chuckle then we both came to a red light, this is when I noticed he had headphones on. Finally, the straw that broke the camel's back and tied everything into perspective he was sporting a star wars t-shirt. Don't get me wrong, Im a big star wars buff too and probably know more about than the uber-dork riding the moped last night but this guy was the epitome of a nerd. Am I being mean, or can you find the humor in it too? Maybe Im just a jerk, but that guy gave me a laugh last night.

Looking for an answer...

2005-05-11T02:10:00.000-07:00

Alright, here's my rant. Tonight, I ride up to Movie Gallery to rent a movie. I never know what I want to watch and since I never rent movies or go to the movies, I should have lots of options to choose from; right? Wrong. How come there never seems to be anything worth watching anymore. Is this a sign of age? Who knows. Anyway, I settle on "Meet the Fockers." It had a few moments but for the most part it was a dud. I think its Dustin Hoffman or something, I just kept waiting for him to start pricing everything at a $100 or start counting falling matches. That's besides the point. I wasnt dissatisfied with the movie as a good movie is pretty hard to come by these days what really pissed me off was when I made the decision to eat some chips and queso. I have a half bag of tortilla chips waiting to be devoured and guess what? They are all in crumbles. I mean, how does this happen? I'm starting to think the bagger at Kroger may have it in for me and he told all his bagger buddies to do the same. Here I am trying to eat some chips and queso, piecing together four broken chips trying to make one bite meaningful. So what happens, you guessed it, you either drop your precious crumbs into the lava like queso or you go ahead and plunge your whole hand into the cheese so not to lose any; such a catch-22. So what are you left with? A pathetic half-bag of tortilla chips only good for crumbs to your next casserole. Since Im no fucking Betty Crocker, the casserole is out, so Im just left with a half bag of "piss me off." What a world we live in, when I can complain about broken tortilla chips...you know we have it good. :)

Bathroom Remodeling Day 1

2005-05-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Im an idiot (nothing new) and decided to remodel my bathroom by myself. First, I have to tell you what a fucked up situation it was to begin with. When I bought the house, it did not have a shower. Its not like, I just needed to put a nozzle in, it didnt even have the pipes to put a shower up. So that had to be taken care of day 1. I mean, Im not taking baths for christ sakes. Who wants to soak in their own cess pool of filth. No offense if you take baths but they're just not for me. Anyway, the little sweet old lady, along with taking only baths never had tile put in the bathroom, but she did have someone put this formica crap on the walls. Its bad enough that the walls are in plaster and not drywall but it has this el cheapo formica on top of it, so it looked like crap on top of crap. Alright, so I finished up my finals, I have a month off before I restart school and decided to do an extreme make over home edition, Ty style. Im gutting the whole fucker out. The only thing Im keeping is the toilet and tub...everything else is gone. So I went to home depot and bought shower tile, floor tile, a butt-load of drywall, pvc piping for the sink, vanity, cabinets, lights, and all the other necessary supplies. You know what the hardest part is...picking all the crap out, like the medicine cabinet or the lighting. Which tile you want to put up, the decorative stuff is really tough for me. This might be the only time I say this, but, I wish I had a wife who would just tell me what to buy and put in. All these decisions are killing me. So anyway, I pick out all this crap, the lighting Im still on the fence but I can always change that. I get home and now the wrecking crew part starts, except there is one problem. I dont know what the hell Im doing, so all this is brand new for me...but hey it can't be that hard; can it?My first problem, the chimney flue runs through the bathroom and makes like a wall, so the people who built the house, in all their wisdom, attached fucking plaster to the brick of the chimney. So I picked up my trusty reciprocating saw (wielding this saw really makes me feel more like a man) and cut the wire mesh straight out. Then I went to sledge hammering the plaster away. After about 6 hours worth of work, I know Im in way over my head. I just hope it doesnt take me longer than a week to finish or longer than 7 days b/c I know its going to take longer than a week.

Goodbye Spring Semester!

2005-05-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

At 10:00 this morning, I finished my last final. What a relief, I can finally give that long, needed exhale of breath that I have been holding in since January. Since, the thread title is kind of boring. I will write about what happened to me the other day while at one of the local high school. So I substitute teach for a little extra money. I mean its an easy gig, if you can just wake up and go. Its so easy to forget how early high school is in the morning. I have to be there at 7:25 for God's sake. Anyway, its at the end of my day, Im getting ready to leave as I walk out the class, this girl is walking in front of me and she decides to pull a 180 as fast as she can and WHAM! Her forehead nails me right on the tip of my nose. I felt like I just got socked. I've been in plenty of fights and this was just as hard as anyone has ever hit me. My first reaction was "what the hell" so I grabbed her and then I was wondering if she was ok. So I grab her and ask, "Are you alright?" Meanwhile, my eyes begin to water and I start thinking their might be blood but, no blood. Damn hard-headed highschoolers! Anyway, it gave me a funny story to tell some people so the day had a little excitement to it. The Life of a Substitute Teacher...yeah, I dont see the chronicles coming out any time soon.

The worst part about a black eye...

2005-05-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

is having to explain how you got it. I mean, its easy if you were in a fight b/c that's what everyone already thinks and they are just asking to confirm their suspicions. However, if you are one of the few extraneous variables that didnt get one through a fight, then someone looks at you like your nose is growing with each passing word. I mean, yeah my story is embarrassing but hey, its the truth. So I got a black eye playing with my dog. Its not like, I said, "OK Asia (my dog), you ready to go outside?" Then she said, "Yo Brent, Go Fuck Yourself, and oh yeah take this (a big paw to the face)!" Now that would be a true "bitch" slap. Yeah, so I have a black eye and my dog gave it to me, but try to sell that one to somebody. I mean I might as well say "I fell down" or "I slipped in the bathroom" or scream domestic violence .

2005-05-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

My black eye

Just Climbed a New Mountain

2005-04-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

So my kitchen sink started to leak and it kinda bummed me out. I mean, Im in the middle of finals, strapped for cash, my girlfriend just dumped me, and my dog got ran over. Ok, maybe the last two didnt happen but its still been a pretty tough week. So, first thought, "Im going to have to call a fucking plumber." Then, a sort of bravery swept over me like a tumbleweed in Texas, I thought maybe I can fix the sink. Somehow that thought process started to snowball and pretty soon, my pants started to loosen and my crack started to make its way to the stage. I ventured to home depot bought some pvc and began to pony up to the sink. Thirty-five minutes later, I had charted new waters, climbed another mountain, kicking some major plumbing ass. It might seem like a small feat to some but I will be showing my "crack" with pride. Never again will I wear my pants on my waist!!!